Things have been quite intense the last few weeks.
I began my new job, which by the way love! I work along side some amazing women and men, and I love the commute to Staten Island I take twice a week. It is more a reverse commute- in which everyone is leaving when I'm coming and vice versus.
My summer, which is the first vacation that I have had in about 5 years has been pretty amazing. I've gone to Coney Island, rode the Wonder Wheel and rode on several rides. Not to mention, the first time I went I got burned pretty bad- enough to see the defined bikini straps on my back. That was the first time I have been in the sun to tan in a year! Guess I forgot the sunblock- or at least to reapply after swimming.
I've been to several concerts, several movies and several art openings. My only concern has been trying to find another part time job to fill in the gap of time and the pay cut I took when I moved here. I won't lie I'm a bit scared to admit that I might fail in the one place I have worked so hard to get to.
I think that is one of my biggest fears, is failing. Especially when I'm the one that boosts and constantly tries to prove myself to everyone. SO this fear is slowly getting to me, there are days when I feel like I'm literally going to collapse from fear. There are times when I came close to buckling my knees and just crying my eyes out. I'm wondering if I'm going to make it. I'm thankful for my friends and family who have been super supportive. Though, I've disconnected myself somewhat from my family because I'm trying to be tough. This is the only place where I can feel vulnerable and express my true feelings. But this isn't the only thing bothering me right now.
I ran way to New York because I think I was running away from two things. Myself and my Ex. Though, after today's Oprah lesson, I need to learn how to forgive compassionately to be able to move on. Long story short, he was abusive and hurt me in more ways than one. I ran because I have always been trying to reinvent myself. I always have, as long as I can remember.
Not to mention, that my dating life has not improved what so ever. I've met a few guys, with the exception of one- most of them are kind of flaky or I've managed to find something on my list of "oh-no's". You know ladies, and men, you have a list of "OH- NO" I can't date this person because of this, this and this. I've been in too many relationships and have dated to many men, I will admit I am picky and particular, because I've weeded through so many.
I had this romantic notion in my head when I moved here that I would find my true love and "The End" as we rode off into the sunset holding hands skipping in Central Park. Ha, to even think of that now. I think I need to lower my expectations and not my criteria.
But for now, I'm going to keep my chin up. I got new business cards for my current job! Yay! And I'm still praying for that second part time so I can make some green.
Until next time.
